


to ashes and stardust

by wandering_scavenger



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: F/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-08 21:29:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8862787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wandering_scavenger/pseuds/wandering_scavenger
Summary: 'He is handsome when he isn’t scowling.' She thinks, feeling his nose brush against hers when he shifts ever closer to her. Their eyes remain open—watching each other—memorising their features through the outline of shadows. This. She has never felt.A look into the mind of the rebel girl who had lived a life on her own, and had given it willingly at the side of a man she should have hated.





	

The truth is that she never truly understood what it felt like to love.

Jyn Erso only understood it in a way that her childhood self was capable of doing so. In her eyes it had been an object, something one held in their hand or gave to another to hold. Love was risking your life to save the father of your child, love was kissing your daughter on the forehead before sending her off to safety; love meant _sacrifice_.

It was not a flawed outlook, but it was one that left her feeling emptier each time she tried to grasp it in her own callused palms. By the ripe age of sixteen, she had decided that it was more a burden than it was a blessing. The memories are still fresh in her mind—she was alone, cold and shivering with nothing but a weapon as she sat, waiting for Saw to return for her.

She never truly understood what it felt like to love, there was no space in her heart for such a thing, having been occupied instead by its greatest rival.

Indifference had been her most cherished friend, a companion that followed her to each planet she payed a visit and gave her strength in each punch she threw at an unsuspecting victim. There was no remorse in the actions one committed when indifference spoke in the place of their conscience. If living a life without love meant surviving, then she would do her damned best to keep it locked away.

And for a long time, she was content.

But then the Rebellion took her against her will, with all their self-righteous need to make their business hers and vice versa to get what they wanted. There was no real justice in the galaxy, more than thirty planets travelled and Jyn saw none of it in the hearts of creatures that dwelled in all them. There was only “them” and “us”, and that was quite enough for the Rebels and Empire to keep it at each other’s throats for the decades that had passed. It was the great web of lies that had been spun into the very essence of the cosmos, connecting and dividing each and every individual in the anarchic way that it did.

The Captain had decidedly become the first person that she minutely trusted in years, though it was something she had contemplated on all throughout their journey to Jedha. They had battled through the city together, and though it had been because she was beneficial to the cause that he served, there was a sense of kinship that formed that day. She had never had anyone to guard her back as she had theirs; while she would not have admitted it, she trusted him to pull her through the collapsing Jedi temple and guide her to safety when the Death Star unleashed its terrible power on the planet. Her father’s creation.

As Jyn watched Jedha crumble apart in great waves of stone and gravel, she discovered that perhaps there was no shame in loving if there was true meaning in doing so. Hope twitched at the thought of reuniting with her father, warring with the despair that her soft-spoken conscience urged her to feel for the loss of the millions of lives that were born to the desert planet.

Listening to him fret over the ship and equipment upon their arrival in Eadu, confusion set her fists tightening when logic tried to reason with it. And then he left her to retrieve her father with Bodhi, claiming that any more people would risk their cover. They departed from the U-Wing without another word, leaving them to wait in silence as the rain pounded heavily outside.

Fear, anger, betrayal, it all seemed to boil up inside of her; she would have been nauseous if not for the fact that she was racing against time, against _him_. Her father was the only living person that she loved, and she would make sure that it would remain that way, until he too was taken from her. They were so close, his face was still warm in spite of the cold weather. Jyn would have died with him if not for her companion’s voice calling her back to reality. Against her better judgement, she found herself obeying him, running alongside him to escape the destruction of the Imperial headquarters.

The hate set in almost at once, seeping into her bones like liquor that her body would be all too eager to welcome. She could have struck him right then and there, she should have. Yet as his his voice rose when he spoke and neared her like a predator poised to attack, Jyn was suddenly faced with herself in his dark eyes.

Lost, furious, hurt.

They were not so different after all, as much as she had previously claimed to have no care for the Rebellion or Empire. His breath was warm against her face, mouth twisted in a scowl that reminded her so much of her own. The words that came from her mouth remained poisonous, as she found herself unable to forgive the Captain for having intended to murder her father all along, for misleading her throughout their journey as if she was an ignoramus to toy with.

It nearly pained her to walk away, just nearly. She had already come to accept that they were but mere products of the Empire in their own sad little way.

Camaraderie, something that she had never dreamt of feeling towards someone, much less a group of people. But she was grateful to him, the smile that formed on her lips was small, but it was as genuine as she could possibly make it amidst the situation at hand. At his side she felt determination that gripped her like the blaster she held in her glove clad fists, navigating their way around Scarif.

When he fell from the shots he had taken at the hand of Krennic, she feared that when she screamed his name, it would be that last time the word would ever roll off her tongue. _Cassian_.

Other than her own parents, never had Jyn feared for the well-being of others. She was a selfish person, and she wondered what life would be like if everyone survived the mission but him. How would she cope with the loss? She quickly peered down at him before resuming her climb to the top of the tower, praying to whatever god was listening that he would wake when the whole ordeal was over.

Joy, it was not something she had the luxury of experiencing as she grew up, but there was no denying that she felt it when her gaze met his again after what felt like hours before. He had not only survived, he had saved her. Together they limped to the lift to escape while they still had a chance, the battle that soared over their heads a mere obstruction from the silence that they would be granted as they made their way to the ground.

His arm tightens around her shoulder just before he pulls away, leaning against the wall of the lift to support his battered body. She leans right next to him, the electrical lights above them no longer work, only the dim spray on sunlight that slipped past the thin window serving to illuminate their surroundings.

In the darkness she can only see his face, Cassian’s face. How strange it is to say his name in her mind, how intimate it feels. The distance between them had been a gaping chasm once, but in this moment the chasm had been sewn shut, leaving nothing to pull them apart. Something stirs in her belly, thrumming in time with her heartbeat like the rapid pitter patter of rain. The violent storm inside of her has all but disappeared, leaving in its wake ruins that promise a better future.

 _He is handsome when he isn’t scowling._ She thinks, feeling his nose brush against hers when he shifts ever closer to her. Their eyes remain open—watching each other—memorising their features through the outline of shadows.

 _This._ She has never felt.

Desiring someone had never seemed so raw and gentle at the same time. There is an ache in her chest telling her that perhaps she had felt that desire for him even back then, when they were nothing but strangers who cast weary looks over their shoulders to see if the other would attack them behind their back. Their fingers lace together for a moment, and she feels a tingling in her hand that tells her that things can be different now.

Only they can’t.

The world looms towards them when they finally make it down the tower, ominous and hopeless and _tragic_. Cassian looks to her and they limp to the edge of the shore together, their breaths steady and slow when they sink down to sit on the white sand.

Her fingers slip atop of his when the cloud approaches them, the light of the Death Star bright and unforgiving as its name promised.

 _I could have loved you._ She wants to say, because she has not known him nearly as long as she would have liked to. Because she knows that despite the horrors he has committed in his service to the Rebellion, he did it for love of all the beings in the galaxy that were unknown to him. Because he knows what it feels like to suffer at the hands of the Empire and fight nonetheless. Because he is a good man.

His eyes are brown. Jyn commits the image of its softness to her memory, wondering if he thinks that it is not such a horrible end to meet with her by his side just as she is more calm knowing that he is at hers. The way he takes her hand in his is enough of an indication.

It is only when Cassian pulls her into his arms that she realises how wrong she is to think that she ever could have loved him, not when she already does.

He smells of sweat and smoke, but there is another scent that seems to be distinctly his own, and she tries to inhale as much of it as she can, burying her face into the crook of his neck to stop her lips from quivering. His arms are strong around her, holding her so tightly that she thinks she might faint from being unable to breathe.

 _I am afraid._ She whispers, her voice so soft against the sound of the earth shattering before them and the waves crashing like thunder on her skull. They will turn to ashes and stardust, and she finds comfort in believing that their remains will be bound together even then.

The arms that encircle her waist press her closer to his chest, _I am as well_.

Perhaps in another life they are living happily, safe from the Empire and their childhoods untouched by the horrors they grew up with. In that life they’ve made love countless times, having promised one to the other for the rest of their days. Perhaps they are travelling the galaxy or living in a lonely planet with nothing but green for them to farm, raising a simple family of their own—just as her parents had dreamt of doing.

Perhaps that life has not happened yet, or will not happen at all.

When Death finally comes upon them, all that she can feel is his arms around her. And she finally understands what it feels like to love another person.

It was more than sacrifice, it was _home_.


End file.
